- Fantastic, Fine, and Forbidden: Setting Boundaries For Dogs
Fantastic, Fine, and Forbidden: Setting Boundaries For Dogs
Amelia and I often joke that we moonlight as family counsellors.
Sometimes we nod and listen while each spouse points at the other and says, "Tell THEM they're doing it wrong!"
Sometimes we have to gently remind a client that they cannot expect an animal to control its behavior if they themselves cannot control their own.
But one of the most challenging topics that makes me feel most outside my wheelhouse is when we have to discuss boundaries.
What Are Boundaries?
Boundaries are limits - they mark the edge of an area. In psychology, it means your personal limits - what you are willing to tolerate and what you are not.
Dogs understand all about boundaries. An arthritic dog might tell a puppy that a game of bitey-face is fine, but if you jump on my sore back, I'll snap at you.
Another dog may express that they are okay with having their food bowl taken away... But I will turn into Cujo if you so much as look at my bully stick.
Many dogs will tell you, I will do that sit-down-stay nonsense if you have treats on you, but otherwise I've got better things to do.
It's very important that you set clear boundaries with your dog. If dog trainers can agree on anything in this universe, it is that dogs do best when you are clear and consistent with your behavior.
Important Note!
Do not confuse boundaries with rules. Boundaries are not rules.
Or, more accurately, they are but they are your personal rules for yourself. They are billboards that tell others what to expect from you if they proceed down this road.
For example, "don't call me after 11 pm" is not a boundary. Instead you would say, "I don't answer calls after 11 pm."
"Don't yell at me" is not a boundary. Instead you might say, "the next time you yell at me like that, I will hang up".
Boundaries are also promises.
If people find that you say one thing, but do another, they will not believe what you say to them. If you DO answer calls after 11 pm, or you do not hang up when that person yells at you, they now know that you are dishonest and that they can disregard what you say.
Dogs don't like untrustworthy people. It's scientifically proven.
What Does This Have To Do With Dogs?
I'm not a therapist, at least I'm not one for humans. So let's get back to dogs!
Your dog is watching you and studying your behaviour all the time. Some dogs are lucky and have humans who are very easy to predict. They figure out quickly that if they bark, you'll produce a cookie to bribe them into silence, or that if they just wait til you pull out your phone, they can drag you to the fire hydrant.
Meanwhile, the dog jumps on you, yanks you over, and knocks over your Aunt Hetty when she comes over, because that's what comes naturally to them, and you allow it.
You say you DON'T allow it? Then how does the dog keep doing it?
Gotcha.
You may not LIKE it, but if you PERMIT it, then the dog doesn't think it's particularly important to you. Just as people will keep calling you after 11 pm if you keep answering the phone, or will keep yelling at you if you don't hang up, dogs will keep jumping up if you let them.
So let's talk about how to set boundaries with your dog.
The Three Zones: Fantastic, Fine, and Forbidden
When you're setting boundaries with your dog, it's helpful to categorize things under three categories.
Forbidden
If something is forbidden, then you will not allow it. Forbidden items might include "humping Nana's leg", and "dragging me down the street".
It is important to understand that you must be able to physically intervene in some way to stop these things from happening.
Nothing in the forbidden category should be necessary to a dog's physical and emotional wellbeing.
How can you be sure?
Oh you'll know. Your dog will tell you.
Fine
Things that are fine are just that... fine. You maybe aren't thrilled with it, but you understand that your dog enjoys it and you are willing to tolerate it.
Items in this list might include things like "sniffing trees on walks" or "licking your junk really loudly when I'm trying to watch tv."
If you're fine with something, that means that you will not physically intervene to stop it, but you don't love it either.
Your general attitude should be "...Meh..."
Dogs will be dogs, after all.
Fantastic!
These are the things you want to actively encourage and reward your dog for doing. They are the things that bring out a happy "GOOD dog!"
Within this zone there is a perfect bull's eye - the EXACT thing you want your dog to do. That's the TREAT zone! I mark it with a "yes!"
or a click.
You should have a clear picture in your head of what you're looking for and cheer whenever you see it.
Is your dog's tail wagging?
Then you got it right.
Good Human!
Practical Example #1: Greeting At The Door
Forbidden
Rushing out as soon as the door opens/crowding the door.
To prevent it, you put the dog behind a barrier or hold the dog on leash.
Jumping on people, knocking people over.
To prevent it, you attach a leash to the dog's harness or collar, and STAND on it when your guests approach you. Your dog can't jump up because their leash is pinned to the ground. You can also ask guests to crouch down to greet the dog so the dog isn't tempted to jump up.
Barking
Cannot completely forbid, because the dog can't help it and you can't stop it. But you can remove the dog when they bark, and only permit access to the guests when the dog can be calm enough to be quiet.
Fine
Milling about with all four paws on the floor
Fine.
Whining with excitement
At least it isn't barking.
Running around with a toy in their mouth
Gotta release that excitement somehow.
Fantastic!
Sitting or lying down for pats.
Praise and treats for this! Be sure that if your dog offers their belly, it is definitely for rubs and not out of fearful submission.
Offering a paw
Your guests will LOVE it. Give them treats to reward the dog for such a polite greeting.
Waiting on a bench or stool to be greeted
This method works wonders if you keep the treats flowing.
Practical Example #2: Casual Walks
Forbidden
Rushing out as soon as the door opens.
Keep the dog on a leash. Open and close the door several times before leaving the house. Don't try to hit the dog with it, just open and close it so they can't go out.
Yanking you down the front steps
Be ready for it. Stand firmly at the top of the steps, and use the leash to prevent the dog yanking you over. Refuse to go forward until the dog is waiting patiently.
Dragging you over to points of interest.
I won't go over all of the details of proper leash handling. But assuming your trainer has taught you how to hold a leash and ensured that the equipment you are using is sufficient for humanely restraining your dog, you have no excuse for following behind a dragging dog. If your dog is yanking you, don't move your feet.
Fine
Sniffing points of interest within the range of the leash.
What's the point of a walk - to a dog - if they can't sniff? As long as the dog is within range of the leash - by which I mean the leash is loose and they can move without it affecting your movement - they can sniff. It's fine.
Stopping occasionally to pee on things.
Ideally you'd like your dog to toilet in predetermined spots, and wait for you to cue them. But when you gotta go...
Going from side to side BEHIND you..
Crossing in front of you can be a trip hazard, but it's up to you what you want to allow. These are YOUR boundaries. These are just suggestions.
Fantastic!
Looking up at you
Dogs want to connect with their people and want to look up at their faces. Be sure to respond enthusiastically when your dog initiates an interaction with a friendly glance.
Walking right next to you.
That's the magic zone! Dogs who hang out right next to me get treats, treats, treats, and praise, praise, praise. Sometimes I'll even start walking faster or break into a fun jog out of the sheer joy of having a dog in perfect heel position!
Resisting the urge to rush a cat or strange dog
Sometimes non-action is worth rewarding heavily. Your dog is looking at the cat. The cat is looking at your dog. Your dog is not moving. Now is the time to start praising! Don't wait for your dog's self control to break. Reward that NOW.
Remember - Be Trustworthy
Nothing aggravates a dog more than a moody human.
One day the human is in training mode, nagging the dog to heel all the time and insisting on sits at every crosswalk.
The next day the human is distracted by a problem at work, and is so focused on their emails that they barely notice that the dog is dragging them all over the place and wandering into the road at crosswalks.
From the dog's point of view, their humans has good days where they're very accommodating and other days when they're resistant and stubborn.
Your dog should always know what to expect from you, and your rules should be the same from one day to another. You can make changes based on the situation, but your dog should clearly understand that situation. For example, it's clear to any service dog that they can run around and sniff in the park, but NOT at Walmart.
So remember to be kind to your dog - by being clear and honest about your boundaries, and enforcing them in a way that your dog considers fair.
And remember to always show them the way to the bull's eye!
